"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
