her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Let's just says his mouth writes a lot of checks that his penis just can't cash. Don't waste your time.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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