Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
Randomize
