I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
