Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
