i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize