peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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