i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
