My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
Define "chronic" masturbator.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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