I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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