At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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