Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
So about class tomorrow..... i,ll be there. But I may be still a bit drink and wearing a suit. I'll explain when I get there.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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