Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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