Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
