Dual....:-)
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Randomize
