I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Randomize
