Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
hey, cheif big dick, where the fuck are my panties.
Randomize
