I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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