FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
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