Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
too bad you live with your parents still
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
I'm getting married
To pizza
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Randomize
