Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Randomize
