I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
why is pumping your own stomach in your searches on youtube?
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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