Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
