So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
I have grass duct taped all over my body
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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