You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
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