Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Randomize
