Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
