so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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