I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
And now I have a massive dip in and a Bloody Mary that would catch on fire if you put a flame close to it, with no pants on... At 8:15Am. Being single is pretty legit
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
