Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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