Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
