You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
