omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
