Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
