She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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