sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
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