it's too hot outside to masturbate.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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