A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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