I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
