She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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