I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
