Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Randomize
