Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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