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Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
