I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Well the light went out so I was throwing up by candle light. Strange moment in my life.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Randomize