im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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