just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Randomize
