I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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