I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Randomize
