Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
