Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
