I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
