so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
Randomize