Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
Randomize
