i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
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