Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Randomize