I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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