Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize