My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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