she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
