Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
