Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Randomize
