So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
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