She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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