tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize