No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I just heard a girl say "We can't go that way, it is a one way street." She was on foot...Nothing worse than girl from the midwest that move to NY to "live out their dream" -the dream of living in a rat and roach infested 200sqft for $2k a month, and get fucked by some recent Ithaca college frat grad...
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize