just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
