I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
I look better un-naked...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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