you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
