my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
