Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
